It sounds so cheesy doesn't it? But it's the truth, and anyone who has ever had a successful relationship with anyone knows that. I have learned so much from my relationship with the Monson's and continue too as time goes on. As I have said before my adoption is extremely open. I see my son Sawyer almost every day, I am his preschool teacher, I have been on trips with him and his family, his parents are wonderful and let me take him for the day to hang out, I have even watched Sawyer and his older brother Tyler overnight! I have so much fun with this little family and I'm so grateful for all the time that I get. I know my adoption is unique and I'm sure all of you are thinking that we are crazy right?! Isn't that hard? Aren't you scared she's going to run off with him? How are you ever going to heal? Does that seem very healthy? Does he get confused who his mother is? Isn't it hard to watch them parent? Isn't it hard to leave without him over and over again? Do you miss him? Does she overstep? Does it scare you that one day he will want to live or be with her? I could write a whole entire post on the different fears or questions that we have been asked. I would be lying if I told you that I hadn't really thought of some of them or been worried, but I wouldn't be human if I didn't! Adoption can be tricky, and it's hard to understand unless you are apart of it. I never would have believed that it would be this amazing and wonderful had you told me when I found out I was pregnant. Even when I met the Monson's it just seemed to good to be true. And maybe it should be, but I'm determined to make my relationship with my son and his sweet family a great one. No matter what it takes. So here is the real question...how do we do it?
There are a lot of factors that go in to keeping a healthy, very open, adoption. Selflessness, honesty, communication, knowing your role and REALLY being comfortable with it, understanding, consideration, compassion, did I mention honesty?? But most of all.....LOVE for others.
There have been a few times where our relationship has been hard or things haven't gone as planned, but we've always been able to work through them by being honest to ourselves and to each other. I remember the first time we had our first...."disagreement". If you could really even call it that. It had been a few months since placement and we were talking about what Sawyer would call me when he got older. The Monson's suggested "Aunt Megan" which at the time seemed great to me so I agreed to it. As time went on I felt worse and worse about it. I wasn't his aunt. I didn't want him to think I was. That wasn't my role. It just didn't seem right to me. I felt this way for awhile, nervous and uneasy, you know that knot in your stomach feeling like your going to be sick? Yeah. So I decided to talk to the Monson's, I had to. So I went to their house and told them I wanted to talk. Once I had told them how I was feeling and that I was uncomfortable with what we decided I instantly felt better. They were so understanding and tried to understand where I was coming from and I really felt like they did. We decided to just play it by ear and let Sawyer call me what he would call me. The most important thing for me was our communication. I chose to be honest, as much as it scared me, and the result couldn't have been more perfect. We have tried really hard to be open and upfront with each other and I know it is a huge reason why we work so well.
Another thing that I have seen work in our relationship is knowing our roles, and knowing and
respecting the other persons role. I KNOW Michelle and Clinton are Sawyers parents. I respect the way they raise him and the choices they make, even if it's something that I may not have done, because I chose them for my son, and I will always stand by that decision. I am comfortable with my role as a Birthmom, although I am not parenting my son I had the amazing gift of giving birth to him and carrying him for nine months. I feel so lucky to have that much. I feel even luckier to have an adoptive couple that respects my role as much as I respect theirs, and wants this relationship to work not only for OUR sons benefit but because we really do value each other and care. I know that open adoption can be scary, especially one like mine. There are so many fears and unknowns that could make anyone nervous about it, but I promise it brings way more light and joy into my our life then if we had a closed or even a less open relationship. I've talked a lot about how great my relationship is with my sons family, but I want to say a little bit about how it's like with my son, Sawyer. I am forever grateful for the openness allowed by his parents because I get to have this unbelievable bond with Sawyer that I didn't think was possible with the choice of placing him for adoption. He calls me "Meme" and every time I hear him say it my heart almost stops. Every time I come to visit or he sees me at school his adorably inviting eyes light up and he runs to give me a hug.
He knows who I am, he may not yet understand what I did or the choice I made for him but he knows we are family. At the school I teach at he was asking me for a drink of my soda (which I always have, because I'm heavily addicted) and I gave him some, then another little girl came and asked me for some and I told her no. When she asked why Sawyer speaks up and says, "it's cuz meme is MY family". Another time his mom, Michelle and I were talking in the kitchen and I was holding Sawyer, he wraps his arms around both our necks, pulls us in and says, "awe, my family".
It's those tender moments that just make my whole heart and body ache with happiness. We are family and it's because of this little boy that we put our feelings aside. I can't express in words how amazing it feels to be able to love him, and hug him, and talk with him, and have a relationship with him, and just see that he is happy. It's one of the greatest gifts an adoptive family can give to a Birthmom. Sometimes it can be really hard, and I miss him from time to time, but it's all worth it for those special moments I get to share with him and his family.
I love my open adoption. It's not always easy and we've had our ups and downs but I wouldn't change it for anything. We work hard to have the relationship that we do and by no means is it perfect. Some of you might still be reading this thinking that we've lost our minds and that something is wrong with us! This situation may not work for everyone, but it works for us and I'm so happy and grateful for all of it. It's taught me a lot about relationships in general and it continues to teach me today.
Until next time! Thanks for reading!
Meg
No comments:
Post a Comment