A Birthday You Will Always Remember

My son is going to be 4 this weekend. MY SON IS GOING TO BE 4!!!! I can't even believe that it has been four years already and I just can't believe how big he is getting. This might seem like a silly thing to blog about, but June 1st through the 3rd (really the whole week) are some of the biggest and most memorable times in my adoption story. It's a day my son was born, a beautiful and amazing memory of mine. Yet two days after that incredible miracle, I suffered (by choice of course) a loss. I placed him in the arms of a new family and let him go to start his new life. It's difficult to go from feeling so much happiness and joy, bringing this little person into the world, seeing that child that's been growing inside you for months for the first time, (and anyone out there who has had a child knows what I mean when I say it truly is a miracle) to feeling the next extreme of emotion. Sorrow. It's hard to explain the different levels of emotions a Birthmother goes through in such a short amount of time, but i'm going to try to do that today.

Every year since having and then placing Sawyer I have noticed certain days/times of the year that either have special meaning to me or days that are harder then others. Mother's Day, certain holidays, not being there for his firsts (even though I am very close and am blessed with being around for a lot), his birthday and most of all Placement day. Even though it's just the "anniversary" of placement and it's not really happening all over again....it kinda feels like it is! It is in a way because it's playing in my mind over and over throughout that whole day. All the feelings from my time in the hospital, from labor to placement come flooding back in. All the joy of him coming into the world, and those perfect two days that I called him mine, to the tears dripping down my face as I signed my rights away. I remember everything down to the minute. Who was at the hospital, what they said, what my nurses were wearing, what Sawyer wore home, what was playing on TV when I realized I only had two hours left with Sawyer. Every detail in those few days I remember, and I remember it all over again...every year....on that same day. The most special, the ones I LOVE to remember are the memories of just Sawyer and I. How he smelt, how he looked, how he snuggled perfectly under my armpit, those are the moments I can never EVER forget.
 

So I know it kinda sounds like it's just a week every year of total depression and heartache, but it's not. Does my heart ache? Yes. Do I miss Sawyer more the ever during this time? Yes. Would I ever change it? No. I get to celebrate my little mans day of birth, and his family is so great and always makes time for me to spend with him on his day, and I get to reconnect with the memories of a decision I made that changed my life forever.

It's both a sweet and not so sweet time, but a necessary time of healing. Ever heard of having a good cry and then feeling better about whatever it is your upset about? Or venting to a friend about something really hard and then feeling great that you got it off your chest?? It's the same thing with me and reminiscing his birth and placement day. It helps me heal. I may be very quiet that day, and I may even cry a little....or a lot the whole week leading up to it and during, and that's ok. I will be OK.

If there is one thing that anyone takes from my blog is that it is OK to have feelings, good or bad. I know I have talked about this before, but it's really important. Growing up, I tried really hard to hide when I was upset. I love my family so much, but I wouldn't say we are "emotional" people. I hate crying in front of people, as I'm sure a lot of you feel the same, and I never wanted people to feel sorry for me. Especially people who seem like they care but really don't. So hiding from my feelings was the best route for me. Until I got pregnant. Mostly not by my own choice because after having a baby I became a big blubbery hot mess that cried at cat videos, but I soon realized how much it helped to let myself be sad and just DEAL. Working through the pain was still hard, but I found it harder when I would put it off because I didn't want to think about it. I know now it's ok to think and it's ok to remember mistakes or hard things because you always feel better after the thinking is done.

Sawyers birthday is now only days away and after that is my anniversary of placement, I have already cried in my bathroom several times, I lost it at ToysRUs because they didn't have anymore stupid Frozen toys to get him so I could be the best Birthmom ever, and I have looked at all our pictures from our hospital stay with a smile because they are the most precious of memories I have. I will hug him more then normal and I will tell him I love him every thirty seconds because my bond with him is intensified during this time, and I will be grateful that I have this birthday I will always remember. Thanks for helping me learn how to feel Sawyer. I love you my crazy 4yr old!!! Happy Birthday!!!

Until next time! Thanks for reading!
Meg

.Mothers Day to a Birthmother.

This time of year I find myself always remembering my time in the hospital with Sawyer and my role as his Birthmom. I often get asked why Mothers Day is such a difficult day so I thought this would be a perfect outlet to describe the feelings a Birthmom, at least this one, goes through.

This wonderful day that we have to celebrate our moms and all of the amazing things they have done for us always leaves me anxious and a little confused about how I really feel. I try hard to make it about my own mother and grandmothers because I love them so much and want them to have a special day. It should be all about them right?  Right. Easier said then done. It's REALLY HARD. At church there's always flower handouts and they make all the moms stand up to be recognized, and I always want to stand and then I remember that the people around me won't understand...."your not a mom, where is your child?" Although no one has ever actually said that to me I just feel like that's what they would think.  Maybe I care a little to much??? We always get together as a family and celebrate our moms, and we even celebrate them at work. Am I happy and appreciative of my mom? OF COURSE! I love getting to spend this day with her and do something nice for her. My mom and I have not always had the best relationship but no matter what we have been through I am eternally grateful for her helping me get to where I am today.

I also love to recognize my sons mom on this day. I love her for taking such great care of Sawyer and I want her to always know that I still trust my decision in choosing her as a parent for him.

So why is Mother's Day so hard?! I guess if I really think about it, it's a little bit of jealousy on my part. I wish I could get recognized for the mother that I am. Even if others don't see me as a mom I know that I am one. He may not be mine in the worlds eyes, but in my heart, in a different way, he is.

Amidst all the feelings of jealousy there are the constant reminders on that day of what or I guess who I don't have anymore. Every birthparent wishes they could have parented there child. I love my role as Sawyers Birthmom, and I do stand by my decision to place him with his parents, but of course, there will always be that little feeling of emptiness, wishing I could have been good enough to be his mom. It doesn't show itself as often anymore. I'm in a great place of healing in my life, but Mother's Day is one of those few days that I always feel it.

In a weird way it's a day I use to reflect, maybe not the happiest reflection, but the kind that anyone who has delt with some kind of trial in their life needs. I think it's important to remember hard times every once in awhile to cope and really understand what you've learned. It helps me to think about my hospital stay, and to think about placement, and the intense parts of my adoption because those hard times led to good ones. Knowing that bad times brought me a beautiful new friendship and happiness in the gospel again helps me to heal through the sad things. One thing I will always remember from my case worker (love her) is that it's OK to feel sad or feel low. It's OK to FEEL. It's not something anyone wants to do, especially when they've suffered a loss or been through a tragedy, but it has helped me with my grieving process and it really does work when you open up!

So although I may cry all through Mother's Day or feel a little heartbreak on that bittersweet day I know it's OK. I'm ok and it's normal. I know that with adoption I will always have those painful moments and I choose to deal with them outright to help me move forward. I will always have a longing to be Sawyers mother, but I'm proud of the decision I made for him and when it breaks my heart, I'll come back to that proud feeling.

As Mother's Day approaches I understand it will be an emotional day, and I'm prepared for it. It may not seem that way to others but I am. I hope that if you know a Birth-mom that you remember them this weekend. Along with your amazing moms and grandmothers or any women in your life that have been there for you. They all deserve the gratitude.

Happy Mothers Day to my smart, fun, and independent mom and all my fellow Birth-moms! We can do hard things!

Thanks for reading!

Meg~