Dear Sawyer

This next post of mine was, surprisingly, hard for me to finish. I had to really think about the words I would want to say to my son about why I chose to place him for adoption, and that's scary! What if I say something that makes him sad or even more confused??? What if it sounds stupid or cheesy?? Ugh! I finally just decided to lay it all out. I really hope that one day Sawyer will read this and know its honest and from my heart....and if not I hope he would just come ask me!!! Haha we'll hear it goes...my letter to my baby boy.

Dear Sawyer,

I'm writing this in hopes that one day when you are older you will read it and have a better understanding of why I placed you for adoption. It is nearly impossible for me to write out all of the different thoughts and feelings that went into my decision and I hope that you always know how much you mean to me. When your left wondering or have questions I hope you remember that I placed so YOU could have a better life. I didn't make this choice to get out of something and I never blamed you or though it was your fault, but because I wanted you to have everything you deserved and more, and I knew I couldn't give you that.

When I found out I was pregnant I remember being scared and unsure of what others would think of me, but I also remember picturing my life with you, as your mom. At first I thought of how wonderful it would be to hold you and care for you and then I began to think of how I would do it all.   I didn't have a car...I had just moved back in with my parents, I had just started a new job and to be honest my personal life was extremely unstable. Is that a good enough life for a child? For my child?  How would I take care of you financially but most of all how would I take care of you emotionally when I barely knew how to take care of myself. I also didn't know how I would raise you without a father figure. I know there are plenty of women and men out there that are single parents and I commend them, but with everything already so crazy in my life I knew it was important for my child to have a mother and a father. That was something I couldn't give you. Your birth father handled things in a different way then I did, and that's ok. You won't always understand why people do things the way that they do and it may hurt at times but it's OK. It's the way that you let those moments affect you that make all the difference.

Knowing in my heart that it would only be you and I, left me feeling a little uneasy. I knew it was the wrong choice for you, the selfish choice. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I can be selfish in a lot of other things, but this was different. If love was all that a child needed I knew I could be a great mom for you. I already loved you so much. Which is why I knew what I had to do. I hand to find you a family that could offer you the world. Placing you was going to be so hard, and I wish more than anything I could have kept you, forever as my own, but I knew this was the right thing to do.

When I met your mom and dad I knew right from the beginning that they would be your parents. They were and are exactly what I wanted for you. Loving, nurturing, LDS, adventurous, and really selfless. They' re always thinking of others. Not to mention they were already wonderful parents to your brother Tyler! Best of all they were a team. A mother and a father who I knew, no matter what,would always have each other and be there together for you. Choosing them to be your family was an easy decision to make.

I don't want you to think, however, that just because it was easy for me to find your family that it was easy for me to place you. I know our Heavenly Father placed your mom and dad in my life at the perfect time and for a reason. Yet it was still so incredibly hard for me to let you go. Leaving you in that tiny hospital bed to go home with somebody else, even though I loved those people dearly, was still the most intense pain and heartache that I have ever felt. I missed you the second I left the room. I cherish those 2 1/2 days we had in the hospital together and think of them every day. I will never forget when I saw you for the first time, or when I first heard you cry and how it would bring me to tears every time I heard it.

I will never forget fighting going to sleep or telling the nurses not to take you out of the room because I wanted to spend every last moment I could with you. I remember looking at the clock on our last day and realizing I had less then two hours to hold you and call you mine and I felt like my whole world was coming to an end.

 

 Signing my relinquishment papers left me feeling empty and sad but I kept telling myself I could do it, it was what YOU needed me to do. It was so hard to wake up every morning without you by my side. I missed you so much. Still to this day almost four years out I will still have times where I feel that same pain.
Do I regret my decision? No. I see you with your family and how happy you are and I know I would do it all over again for you to have the wonderful life you do now. Don't ever let anyone tell you that your Birth mom "gave you up". I love you more than words can express and I wanted you to have MORE. I hope you will always understand that. You are blessed with so many amazing things that I couldn't have blessed you with on my own. I'm grateful for the strength I had to make this decision and I hope one day you will be grateful too. I will love you forever and I'd do anything for you and my wish is that one day we can talk about any questions you have! Your my little beans and I will always be here for you.

~Love your Meme~