A Birthday You Will Always Remember

My son is going to be 4 this weekend. MY SON IS GOING TO BE 4!!!! I can't even believe that it has been four years already and I just can't believe how big he is getting. This might seem like a silly thing to blog about, but June 1st through the 3rd (really the whole week) are some of the biggest and most memorable times in my adoption story. It's a day my son was born, a beautiful and amazing memory of mine. Yet two days after that incredible miracle, I suffered (by choice of course) a loss. I placed him in the arms of a new family and let him go to start his new life. It's difficult to go from feeling so much happiness and joy, bringing this little person into the world, seeing that child that's been growing inside you for months for the first time, (and anyone out there who has had a child knows what I mean when I say it truly is a miracle) to feeling the next extreme of emotion. Sorrow. It's hard to explain the different levels of emotions a Birthmother goes through in such a short amount of time, but i'm going to try to do that today.

Every year since having and then placing Sawyer I have noticed certain days/times of the year that either have special meaning to me or days that are harder then others. Mother's Day, certain holidays, not being there for his firsts (even though I am very close and am blessed with being around for a lot), his birthday and most of all Placement day. Even though it's just the "anniversary" of placement and it's not really happening all over again....it kinda feels like it is! It is in a way because it's playing in my mind over and over throughout that whole day. All the feelings from my time in the hospital, from labor to placement come flooding back in. All the joy of him coming into the world, and those perfect two days that I called him mine, to the tears dripping down my face as I signed my rights away. I remember everything down to the minute. Who was at the hospital, what they said, what my nurses were wearing, what Sawyer wore home, what was playing on TV when I realized I only had two hours left with Sawyer. Every detail in those few days I remember, and I remember it all over again...every year....on that same day. The most special, the ones I LOVE to remember are the memories of just Sawyer and I. How he smelt, how he looked, how he snuggled perfectly under my armpit, those are the moments I can never EVER forget.
 

So I know it kinda sounds like it's just a week every year of total depression and heartache, but it's not. Does my heart ache? Yes. Do I miss Sawyer more the ever during this time? Yes. Would I ever change it? No. I get to celebrate my little mans day of birth, and his family is so great and always makes time for me to spend with him on his day, and I get to reconnect with the memories of a decision I made that changed my life forever.

It's both a sweet and not so sweet time, but a necessary time of healing. Ever heard of having a good cry and then feeling better about whatever it is your upset about? Or venting to a friend about something really hard and then feeling great that you got it off your chest?? It's the same thing with me and reminiscing his birth and placement day. It helps me heal. I may be very quiet that day, and I may even cry a little....or a lot the whole week leading up to it and during, and that's ok. I will be OK.

If there is one thing that anyone takes from my blog is that it is OK to have feelings, good or bad. I know I have talked about this before, but it's really important. Growing up, I tried really hard to hide when I was upset. I love my family so much, but I wouldn't say we are "emotional" people. I hate crying in front of people, as I'm sure a lot of you feel the same, and I never wanted people to feel sorry for me. Especially people who seem like they care but really don't. So hiding from my feelings was the best route for me. Until I got pregnant. Mostly not by my own choice because after having a baby I became a big blubbery hot mess that cried at cat videos, but I soon realized how much it helped to let myself be sad and just DEAL. Working through the pain was still hard, but I found it harder when I would put it off because I didn't want to think about it. I know now it's ok to think and it's ok to remember mistakes or hard things because you always feel better after the thinking is done.

Sawyers birthday is now only days away and after that is my anniversary of placement, I have already cried in my bathroom several times, I lost it at ToysRUs because they didn't have anymore stupid Frozen toys to get him so I could be the best Birthmom ever, and I have looked at all our pictures from our hospital stay with a smile because they are the most precious of memories I have. I will hug him more then normal and I will tell him I love him every thirty seconds because my bond with him is intensified during this time, and I will be grateful that I have this birthday I will always remember. Thanks for helping me learn how to feel Sawyer. I love you my crazy 4yr old!!! Happy Birthday!!!

Until next time! Thanks for reading!
Meg