A Birthday You Will Always Remember

My son is going to be 4 this weekend. MY SON IS GOING TO BE 4!!!! I can't even believe that it has been four years already and I just can't believe how big he is getting. This might seem like a silly thing to blog about, but June 1st through the 3rd (really the whole week) are some of the biggest and most memorable times in my adoption story. It's a day my son was born, a beautiful and amazing memory of mine. Yet two days after that incredible miracle, I suffered (by choice of course) a loss. I placed him in the arms of a new family and let him go to start his new life. It's difficult to go from feeling so much happiness and joy, bringing this little person into the world, seeing that child that's been growing inside you for months for the first time, (and anyone out there who has had a child knows what I mean when I say it truly is a miracle) to feeling the next extreme of emotion. Sorrow. It's hard to explain the different levels of emotions a Birthmother goes through in such a short amount of time, but i'm going to try to do that today.

Every year since having and then placing Sawyer I have noticed certain days/times of the year that either have special meaning to me or days that are harder then others. Mother's Day, certain holidays, not being there for his firsts (even though I am very close and am blessed with being around for a lot), his birthday and most of all Placement day. Even though it's just the "anniversary" of placement and it's not really happening all over again....it kinda feels like it is! It is in a way because it's playing in my mind over and over throughout that whole day. All the feelings from my time in the hospital, from labor to placement come flooding back in. All the joy of him coming into the world, and those perfect two days that I called him mine, to the tears dripping down my face as I signed my rights away. I remember everything down to the minute. Who was at the hospital, what they said, what my nurses were wearing, what Sawyer wore home, what was playing on TV when I realized I only had two hours left with Sawyer. Every detail in those few days I remember, and I remember it all over again...every year....on that same day. The most special, the ones I LOVE to remember are the memories of just Sawyer and I. How he smelt, how he looked, how he snuggled perfectly under my armpit, those are the moments I can never EVER forget.
 

So I know it kinda sounds like it's just a week every year of total depression and heartache, but it's not. Does my heart ache? Yes. Do I miss Sawyer more the ever during this time? Yes. Would I ever change it? No. I get to celebrate my little mans day of birth, and his family is so great and always makes time for me to spend with him on his day, and I get to reconnect with the memories of a decision I made that changed my life forever.

It's both a sweet and not so sweet time, but a necessary time of healing. Ever heard of having a good cry and then feeling better about whatever it is your upset about? Or venting to a friend about something really hard and then feeling great that you got it off your chest?? It's the same thing with me and reminiscing his birth and placement day. It helps me heal. I may be very quiet that day, and I may even cry a little....or a lot the whole week leading up to it and during, and that's ok. I will be OK.

If there is one thing that anyone takes from my blog is that it is OK to have feelings, good or bad. I know I have talked about this before, but it's really important. Growing up, I tried really hard to hide when I was upset. I love my family so much, but I wouldn't say we are "emotional" people. I hate crying in front of people, as I'm sure a lot of you feel the same, and I never wanted people to feel sorry for me. Especially people who seem like they care but really don't. So hiding from my feelings was the best route for me. Until I got pregnant. Mostly not by my own choice because after having a baby I became a big blubbery hot mess that cried at cat videos, but I soon realized how much it helped to let myself be sad and just DEAL. Working through the pain was still hard, but I found it harder when I would put it off because I didn't want to think about it. I know now it's ok to think and it's ok to remember mistakes or hard things because you always feel better after the thinking is done.

Sawyers birthday is now only days away and after that is my anniversary of placement, I have already cried in my bathroom several times, I lost it at ToysRUs because they didn't have anymore stupid Frozen toys to get him so I could be the best Birthmom ever, and I have looked at all our pictures from our hospital stay with a smile because they are the most precious of memories I have. I will hug him more then normal and I will tell him I love him every thirty seconds because my bond with him is intensified during this time, and I will be grateful that I have this birthday I will always remember. Thanks for helping me learn how to feel Sawyer. I love you my crazy 4yr old!!! Happy Birthday!!!

Until next time! Thanks for reading!
Meg

Dear Sawyer

This next post of mine was, surprisingly, hard for me to finish. I had to really think about the words I would want to say to my son about why I chose to place him for adoption, and that's scary! What if I say something that makes him sad or even more confused??? What if it sounds stupid or cheesy?? Ugh! I finally just decided to lay it all out. I really hope that one day Sawyer will read this and know its honest and from my heart....and if not I hope he would just come ask me!!! Haha we'll hear it goes...my letter to my baby boy.

Dear Sawyer,

I'm writing this in hopes that one day when you are older you will read it and have a better understanding of why I placed you for adoption. It is nearly impossible for me to write out all of the different thoughts and feelings that went into my decision and I hope that you always know how much you mean to me. When your left wondering or have questions I hope you remember that I placed so YOU could have a better life. I didn't make this choice to get out of something and I never blamed you or though it was your fault, but because I wanted you to have everything you deserved and more, and I knew I couldn't give you that.

When I found out I was pregnant I remember being scared and unsure of what others would think of me, but I also remember picturing my life with you, as your mom. At first I thought of how wonderful it would be to hold you and care for you and then I began to think of how I would do it all.   I didn't have a car...I had just moved back in with my parents, I had just started a new job and to be honest my personal life was extremely unstable. Is that a good enough life for a child? For my child?  How would I take care of you financially but most of all how would I take care of you emotionally when I barely knew how to take care of myself. I also didn't know how I would raise you without a father figure. I know there are plenty of women and men out there that are single parents and I commend them, but with everything already so crazy in my life I knew it was important for my child to have a mother and a father. That was something I couldn't give you. Your birth father handled things in a different way then I did, and that's ok. You won't always understand why people do things the way that they do and it may hurt at times but it's OK. It's the way that you let those moments affect you that make all the difference.

Knowing in my heart that it would only be you and I, left me feeling a little uneasy. I knew it was the wrong choice for you, the selfish choice. I'm not saying I'm perfect, I can be selfish in a lot of other things, but this was different. If love was all that a child needed I knew I could be a great mom for you. I already loved you so much. Which is why I knew what I had to do. I hand to find you a family that could offer you the world. Placing you was going to be so hard, and I wish more than anything I could have kept you, forever as my own, but I knew this was the right thing to do.

When I met your mom and dad I knew right from the beginning that they would be your parents. They were and are exactly what I wanted for you. Loving, nurturing, LDS, adventurous, and really selfless. They' re always thinking of others. Not to mention they were already wonderful parents to your brother Tyler! Best of all they were a team. A mother and a father who I knew, no matter what,would always have each other and be there together for you. Choosing them to be your family was an easy decision to make.

I don't want you to think, however, that just because it was easy for me to find your family that it was easy for me to place you. I know our Heavenly Father placed your mom and dad in my life at the perfect time and for a reason. Yet it was still so incredibly hard for me to let you go. Leaving you in that tiny hospital bed to go home with somebody else, even though I loved those people dearly, was still the most intense pain and heartache that I have ever felt. I missed you the second I left the room. I cherish those 2 1/2 days we had in the hospital together and think of them every day. I will never forget when I saw you for the first time, or when I first heard you cry and how it would bring me to tears every time I heard it.

I will never forget fighting going to sleep or telling the nurses not to take you out of the room because I wanted to spend every last moment I could with you. I remember looking at the clock on our last day and realizing I had less then two hours to hold you and call you mine and I felt like my whole world was coming to an end.

 

 Signing my relinquishment papers left me feeling empty and sad but I kept telling myself I could do it, it was what YOU needed me to do. It was so hard to wake up every morning without you by my side. I missed you so much. Still to this day almost four years out I will still have times where I feel that same pain.
Do I regret my decision? No. I see you with your family and how happy you are and I know I would do it all over again for you to have the wonderful life you do now. Don't ever let anyone tell you that your Birth mom "gave you up". I love you more than words can express and I wanted you to have MORE. I hope you will always understand that. You are blessed with so many amazing things that I couldn't have blessed you with on my own. I'm grateful for the strength I had to make this decision and I hope one day you will be grateful too. I will love you forever and I'd do anything for you and my wish is that one day we can talk about any questions you have! Your my little beans and I will always be here for you.

~Love your Meme~

Having a Successful Open Adoption

It sounds so cheesy doesn't it? But it's the truth, and anyone who has ever had a successful relationship with anyone knows that. I have learned so much from my relationship with the Monson's  and continue too as time goes on. As I have said before my adoption is extremely open. I see my son Sawyer almost every day, I am his preschool teacher, I have been on trips with him and his family, his parents are wonderful and let me take him for the day to hang out, I have even watched Sawyer and his older brother Tyler overnight! I have so much fun with this little family and I'm so grateful for all the time that I get. I know my adoption is unique and I'm sure all of you are thinking that we are crazy right?! Isn't that hard? Aren't you scared she's going to run off with him? How are you ever going to heal? Does that seem very healthy? Does he get confused who his mother is? Isn't it hard to watch them parent? Isn't it hard to leave without him over and over again? Do you miss him? Does she overstep? Does it scare you that one day he will want to live or be with her? I could write a whole entire post on the different fears or questions that we have been asked. I would be lying if I told you that I hadn't really thought of some of them or been worried, but I wouldn't be human if I didn't! Adoption can be tricky, and it's hard to understand unless you are apart of it. I never would have believed that it would be this amazing and wonderful had you told me when I found out I was pregnant. Even when I met the Monson's it just seemed to good to be true. And maybe it should be, but I'm determined to make my relationship with my son and his sweet family a great one. No matter what it takes. So here is the real question...how do we do it?

There are a lot of factors that go in to keeping a healthy, very open, adoption. Selflessness, honesty, communication, knowing your role and REALLY being comfortable with it, understanding, consideration, compassion, did I mention honesty?? But most of all.....LOVE for others.

There have been a few times where our relationship has been hard or things haven't gone as planned, but we've always been able to work through them by being honest to ourselves and to each other. I remember the first time we had our first...."disagreement". If you could really even call it that. It had been a few months since placement and we were talking about what Sawyer would call me when he got older. The Monson's suggested "Aunt Megan" which at the time seemed great to me so I agreed to it. As time went on I felt worse and worse about it. I wasn't his aunt. I didn't want him to think I was. That wasn't my role. It just didn't seem right to me. I felt this way for awhile, nervous and uneasy, you know that knot in your stomach feeling like your going to be sick? Yeah. So I decided to talk to the Monson's, I had to. So I went to their house and told them I wanted to talk. Once I had told them how I was feeling and that I was uncomfortable with what we decided I instantly felt better. They were so understanding and tried to understand where I was coming from and I really felt like they did. We decided to just play it by ear and let Sawyer call me what he would call me. The most important thing for me was our communication. I chose to be honest, as much as it scared me, and the result couldn't have been more perfect. We have tried really hard to be open and upfront with each other and I know it is a huge reason why we work so well. 

Another thing that I have seen work in our relationship is knowing our roles, and knowing and 

respecting the other persons role. I KNOW Michelle and Clinton are Sawyers parents. I respect the way they raise him and the choices they make, even if it's something that I may not have done, because I chose them for my son, and I will always stand by that decision. I am comfortable with my role as a Birthmom, although I am not parenting my son I had the amazing gift of giving birth to him and carrying him for nine months. I feel so lucky to have that much. I feel even luckier to have an adoptive couple that respects my role as much as I respect theirs, and wants this relationship to work not only for OUR sons benefit but because we really do value each other and care. I know that open adoption can be scary, especially one like mine. There are so many fears and unknowns that could make anyone nervous about it, but I promise it brings way more light and joy into my our life then if we had a closed or even a less open relationship. I've talked a lot about how great my relationship is with my sons family, but I want to say a little bit about how it's like with my son, Sawyer. I am forever grateful for the openness allowed by his parents because I get to have this unbelievable bond with Sawyer that I didn't think was possible with the choice of placing him for adoption. He calls me "Meme" and every time I hear him say it my heart almost stops. Every time I come to visit or he sees me at school his adorably inviting eyes light up and he runs to give me a hug.

He knows who I am, he may not yet understand what I did or the choice I made for him but he knows we are family. At the school I teach at he was asking me for a drink of my soda (which I always have, because I'm heavily addicted) and I gave him some, then another little girl came and asked me for some and I told her no. When she asked why Sawyer speaks up and says, "it's cuz meme is MY family". Another time his mom, Michelle and I were talking in the kitchen and I was holding Sawyer, he wraps his arms around both our necks, pulls us in and says, "awe, my family".

It's those tender moments that just make my whole heart and body ache with happiness. We are family and it's because of this little boy that we put our feelings aside. I can't express in words how amazing it feels to be able to love him, and hug him, and talk with him, and have a relationship with him, and just see that he is happy. It's one of the greatest gifts an adoptive family can give to a Birthmom. Sometimes it can be really hard, and I miss him from time to time, but it's all worth it for those special moments I get to share with him and his family. 

 I love my open adoption. It's not always easy and we've had our ups and downs but I wouldn't change it for anything. We work hard to have the relationship that we do and by no means is it perfect. Some of you might still be reading this thinking that we've lost our minds and that something is wrong with us! This situation may not work for everyone, but it works for us and I'm so happy and grateful for all of it. It's taught me a lot about relationships in general and it continues to teach me today. 

Until next time! Thanks for reading! 

Meg

A Family For My Son

Hello again! I am surprised at how much I am enjoying this blogging process. I have already recieved a ton of positive feedback which I wasn't expecting, but it really means a lot!! This blog was mostly for me to be able to talk about my feelings towards my experience, but I'm so happy with the wonderful response! I'm excited to start today's post so let's jump right into it!
My last post ended with a conversation about my next step with my pregnancy. I had told my friend that I chose adoption and what she said next seemed so perfect, yet so far fetched that I tried hard to not get to excited about what the out come could be. She says, "Did you know that Michelle is trying to adopt???"....quick background story, Michelle is one of my coworkers. She is the two year old class teacher and at the time I didn't know her very well, but what I did know I really admired. She seemed like such a genuine and sweet person and although I didn't work with her very much there was just something about her I already loved. So once I heard that her and her husband were trying to adopt again I got extremely excited, but a little cautious. I was excited for a few reasons. If you haven't caught on by now let me fill you in, if I placed my son with Michelle I would see him often. We work at a daycare together and those who have young kids can bring them to the daycare while they work. I would get to see my baby EVERYDAY! (Now you can see where my excitement was coming from. Not to mention I was finally headed in the right direction of decision making and I had some sort of plan in the making. It was also a relieving feeling to be able to finally talk about the fact that I was pregnant and have people around me that wanted to help.
Although I thought my situation with the Monsons would be ideal I tried very hard to not get my hopes up because I hadn't even talked to Michelle yet and, let's be honest, it all seemed TO GOOD TO BE TRUE! An adoption that open is probably un heard of and scary and not realistic. So you can probably see how I was a little apprehensive. I told my friend it was ok to let Michelle know I would talk to her about it and the next week she came into my class room and before saying anything, gave me the most comforting hug. I hope this won't embarrass her, but I remember the first thing she said to me still to this day because it really made me feel safe and like I could talk to her without any pressure, and it just was so easy. Doesn't adoption kind of sound like a dating relationship????? Haha she told, "First off, I don't want you to think I'm coming to you just because I want your baby, I really just want to help anyway I can." That meant so much to me and I could tell she really meant every word. She offered to take me to Lds Family Services to meet with a counselor, she asked about my family, and my situation and I could tell she really cared. I could go on and on about all the thing the. Up to this point I had felt very alone and terrified and then having someone want to take care of me and be there for me really filled my heart with peace. I was going to be ok. Better yet I might of just met the mother of my son.

We continued to get to know each other, went to lunch, went shopping, but most important (at least for me) was Michelle offered to take me to all of my dr appointments so I didn't have to go alone. She was there through it all. Through hearing the first heartbeat, for finding out it was a boy, for my stress test, everything that would of been horrible by self.
Basically what I am trying to say is this women is AMAZING! I knew and felt in my heart that this is the person I wanted to raise my son and when I met the rest of the family it only solidified my feelings. Her husband, Clinton, is equally as amazing as Michelle. He was very quiet at first but the one thing that I really loved about him (even though I was not active in the church yet) was his spirit and testimony of the gospel. I wanted that for my son. I wanted him to have parents that just beamed with the standards of the Church, and had good character, and they did. Clinton told me something one time that I will never forget, he told me that he wasn't threatened with adoption because in heaven we are all family....I mean seriously how could you not love the man! Not to mention they have the most beautiful little boy, Tyler, who I instantly fell in love with and think of as my own! He was so excited when he found out he was going to be a big brother and he's been such a good example to Sawyer and his new little sister!

I told Michelle I wanted to place with them and I didn't want to look at any other families. You will often hear a Birthmom say when they know, THEY KNOW. Even though I was still afraid of placing and knew it was going to be the hardest thing I would ever do, I was so happy he was going to be in a family where he would be happy, loved and cared for. With a mom, and a dad, and a beautiful brother! As a Birthmom you want everything for your child, all the things you may not be able to offer on your own, and I felt like I found it.
Now one thing I want everyone to know and hopefully understand is, although my adoption is incredibly open and unique I love the WHOLE family. When I visit, I visit them all and have strong bonds with each of them. They are very special to me and I feel blessed to have more family in my corner.

Which leads me into the topic for my next post....how do we do it?! How do we keep things ok and comfortable with such a unique situation? It's hard to comprehend and I still get weird reactions to this day when we tell people our story but it works for us. Hopefully I can help others understand a little about how wonderful open adoption can be.
So until next time! Thanks for reading!
Meg