This time of year I find myself always remembering my time in the hospital with Sawyer and my role as his Birthmom. I often get asked why Mothers Day is such a difficult day so I thought this would be a perfect outlet to describe the feelings a Birthmom, at least this one, goes through.
This wonderful day that we have to celebrate our moms and all of the amazing things they have done for us always leaves me anxious and a little confused about how I really feel. I try hard to make it about my own mother and grandmothers because I love them so much and want them to have a special day. It should be all about them right? Right. Easier said then done. It's REALLY HARD. At church there's always flower handouts and they make all the moms stand up to be recognized, and I always want to stand and then I remember that the people around me won't understand...."your not a mom, where is your child?" Although no one has ever actually said that to me I just feel like that's what they would think. Maybe I care a little to much??? We always get together as a family and celebrate our moms, and we even celebrate them at work. Am I happy and appreciative of my mom? OF COURSE! I love getting to spend this day with her and do something nice for her. My mom and I have not always had the best relationship but no matter what we have been through I am eternally grateful for her helping me get to where I am today.
I also love to recognize my sons mom on this day. I love her for taking such great care of Sawyer and I want her to always know that I still trust my decision in choosing her as a parent for him.
So why is Mother's Day so hard?! I guess if I really think about it, it's a little bit of jealousy on my part. I wish I could get recognized for the mother that I am. Even if others don't see me as a mom I know that I am one. He may not be mine in the worlds eyes, but in my heart, in a different way, he is.
Amidst all the feelings of jealousy there are the constant reminders on that day of what or I guess who I don't have anymore. Every birthparent wishes they could have parented there child. I love my role as Sawyers Birthmom, and I do stand by my decision to place him with his parents, but of course, there will always be that little feeling of emptiness, wishing I could have been good enough to be his mom. It doesn't show itself as often anymore. I'm in a great place of healing in my life, but Mother's Day is one of those few days that I always feel it.
In a weird way it's a day I use to reflect, maybe not the happiest reflection, but the kind that anyone who has delt with some kind of trial in their life needs. I think it's important to remember hard times every once in awhile to cope and really understand what you've learned. It helps me to think about my hospital stay, and to think about placement, and the intense parts of my adoption because those hard times led to good ones. Knowing that bad times brought me a beautiful new friendship and happiness in the gospel again helps me to heal through the sad things. One thing I will always remember from my case worker (love her) is that it's OK to feel sad or feel low. It's OK to FEEL. It's not something anyone wants to do, especially when they've suffered a loss or been through a tragedy, but it has helped me with my grieving process and it really does work when you open up!
So although I may cry all through Mother's Day or feel a little heartbreak on that bittersweet day I know it's OK. I'm ok and it's normal. I know that with adoption I will always have those painful moments and I choose to deal with them outright to help me move forward. I will always have a longing to be Sawyers mother, but I'm proud of the decision I made for him and when it breaks my heart, I'll come back to that proud feeling.
As Mother's Day approaches I understand it will be an emotional day, and I'm prepared for it. It may not seem that way to others but I am. I hope that if you know a Birth-mom that you remember them this weekend. Along with your amazing moms and grandmothers or any women in your life that have been there for you. They all deserve the gratitude.
Happy Mothers Day to my smart, fun, and independent mom and all my fellow Birth-moms! We can do hard things!
Thanks for reading!
Meg~
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